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40 Years ago the most amazing achievement in the history of the human race took place. NASA blasted 3 dudes into space and 2 of them walked on the moon, took some moon rocks, and hightailed it back home to get more snatch than even the greatest athletes of the day (ok, that’s unsubstantiated, but I assume it to be true). This was something so monumental and amazing that it’s only been done a few more times and, with the way interest in space exploration is going these days, may never happen again. So it was of some interest when I pulled up the news today and found out that NASA lost their footage from the mission. After looking for their tapes at mom’s house, under the coffee table, and in their big stashes of NASA porno it came to light that those tapes were in with the 200,000 video tapes that they degaussed (big ass magnet) and reused, probably to tape Dr. Phil or some horse shit.

Seriously NASA, I would have loaned you some VHS tapes. I even would have found you some BETAMAX tapes. Erasing something irreplaceable like that is very “Eternal Sunshine”. Not only is it irresponsible but it gives those damned conspiracy theorists more crap to get all ramped up about. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good conspiracy theory, but in the same way I like hearing stories about bigfoot, chupacabre, and leprechauns – it’s all just entertaining fiction.

No word yet on what they put on those tapes after they erased them. I really do hope it was some sort of space porn.

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Apr 10

Iowa=Gangland

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On my way home from work this evening I pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store to see an intriguing sight. A group of kids on their fancy pants skateboards berated an old man driving through the parking lot to get gas. They purposely slowed to a crawl in front of his truck and stared at him while he sat there idling, hating the poorly dressed youths with every brittle bone in his old man body. He shouted something at them and they kept casually sauntering away, talking about how the 3 of them were going to kick his ass, as if it would have taken much more than a strong wind to knock said aged fellow over.

This entire thing confounded me as happens frequently when I interact with most high school aged persons. Like every old person says, I’m not that old, it wasn’t so long ago I was in high school doing stupid things. But it seems like kids have just taken it to another level of stupid. As I walked into the store the kids kept yelling and bitching and with a massive disregard for anyone’s safety walked across the road into traffic, stopping both lanes, to stand in the middle of a cross street. I walked back a few aisles, grabbed cold bottles of Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew, and headed up to the front to pay. As I did I turned to look over my shoulder because both the clerks were staring at what was happening outside.

As best I can tell the skateboarding crew met up with an emo gang in the middle of the street. They circled each other, the emos wary of the skateboarders chains, the skateboarders recoiling at the emos wearing skin tight pink pants that wouldn’t fit my 3 year old daughter. The menacing inaction appeared to frighten the old couple in the Mary Kay Pink Lincoln Towncar, as they glanced dartingly and quickly pulled out into traffic before they were engulfed in sad adolescents. In what could only be described as asexual cellular mitosis both gangs quickly increased in numbers, going from maybe 3 on each side to a group of 15-20 kids in a matter of seconds. Then as soon as they congregated they vanished, melting into cars, backyards, sidewalks, and nearby shops.

From what I’ve seen both of these groups are nothing more than posturing annoyances. I’ve had them stand in front of the drive up ATM for 10-15 minutes, doing nothing except waste my time – or stand in your way at the store and then complaining when you ask them to move, even if their only motivation for being there was to be in your way. I think the most threatening thing that could happen in a confrontation with any of these misguided kids is that I get a cold from my wet clothes after they cry all over.

I get it, you’re emotional… it’s how the world works. But do you have to be a massive douche to pull this off? It’s likely they’ll grow out of it… they’ll realize that you don’t get anything you don’t earn for yourself, that the system works because you work with people, not against them, and that skin tight pink pants are never in fashion. Doubly never in fashion if you’re a dude. Let’s dry those weepy eyes and go do something productive… I’m not saying you’ve got to go work for the man and go all preppy, that’s lame. You like skateboarding? Sweet, go do it somewhere, get good at it, then get a contract. You like wearing women’s clothes and makeup? Maybe you’ll be the next award winning drag queen, I don’t know. Just try respecting other people a little bit more. You’ll probably get a lot further. However if you want to make fun of them on the internet feel free. Fucking emos.

Tags: death, emo, fail, weird

Apr 10

Bicycle! Bicycle!

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Featured, Videos

When did people become this dumb?

Tags: fail, video

Mar 31

Booooring… The longest/most boring mainstream movies.

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Entertainment, Featured

A little while back I had the horrible displeasure of seeing “Twilight”. I’m not a fan of the books. I find the writing to be sub-par at best and the vampire genre has many other examples that don’t suck ass. The thing that made this book series (and ultimately movie series) popular is something we can call the “wet panty factor”, and it goes like this: chicks dig vampires because of the bad boy attraction, mysterious, dangerous, mostly human (I’ve never seen a woman that goes weak in the knees for the mummy or wolfman – well, I suppose someone married Robin Williams, that’s close) – so these movies and books get out there because they’re propelled by the hormones of women swept up in the fantasy that a dark (or in Twilight’s case, shiny) stranger with nice teeth is going to seduce them in ways that only happen in romance novels and teen fantasy.

With all of it’s other flaws though the biggest thing I despised about the movie was that it was so damned boring. There was nothing that compelled me to keep watching the movie. Granted, I’m an adult dealing with ADD, but by the end of the film I couldn’t care less about the characters or what was happening to them. If I had gone and seen this in the theater I wouldn’t have just walked out, I would have committed ritual seppuku (just for you Sen. Grassley) after I realized I just got duped out of my hard earned money.

This all got me thinking that there have been a few other movies that were just plain boring. Nothing exciting or stimulating, no great story, no climax, no intriguing characters… just miles of wasted film on something that probably could have been summed up in a first shot proglogue. Let me try to come up with a few others…

The Fellowship of the Ring:

Don’t get me wrong, I like Lord of the Rings, the books are epic and detailed… But this movie was just about as exciting as a ham sandwich. You’re eating it and saying, “Yeah, this is pretty good,” but deep down you know that someone else is eating something awesome and you’re still having a ham sandwich (and not the good ham, not delicious, moist, melt in your mouth ham – like stinky plastic bag Carl Buddig 35 cent ham).

I’m sure that somewhere out there is a documentary all about walking, and for 90 minutes there is nothing happening except smug people in shorts that are too short just walking. Even with that existing this movie has more walking. In fact I’m pretty sure that this movie had more walking then I’ve actually ever done in my entire life. Granted, in these days of instant communication and quick travel we certainly don’t walk as much as we could, but still…

During the whole movie I sat with baited breath, waiting for something totally awesome to happen and the only payoff was the Balrog towards the end. I really wondered why I waited 170 some minutes to see that. I invested nearly 3 hours in a movie that only had one awesome thing. If I were watching Predator I would have had 40 awesome things and at least 20 quotable lines (I also would have been able to watch it twice for double the awesome). The Two Towers? Hey, that flick made me feel good about seeing it. But Fellowship? Fuck you Peter Jackson.

Wall-E

I’ve said it before. Wall-E is really the first Pixar release that I despised. The pacing sucks, I’ve fallen asleep every time I tried to watch it, and my kid has walked out on it every time I’ve turned it on. Now if the target audience for a movie walks out, you’ve missed your mark. Or you made Freddie Got Fingered. Cars was bad enough, making characters that weren’t really squishy and kid friendly… sure, some kids like cars, but there are plenty that don’t give a damn. Now in Wall-E you’ve got a pretty unlovable robot living on an essentially dead world. Oh, and there’s fat people in space. Man that sounds thrilling.

Meet Joe Black

Norm reminded me about this one. Chalk this one up to the “wet panty factor” too, I guess. Brad Pitt IS DEATH! But not some kind of cool awesome death. Just a wussy death… who has never eaten peanut butter apparently. This movie clocked in at an entirely unnecessary 3 hours for a story that probably could have been told in a half hour after school special. It’s not like Brad Pitt acted his balls off, it was a decidedly average movie all around, even with Hannibal Lecter. Also I hate Claire Forlani is a dirty whore, how could she go on that game show at a mall?

I guess what I’m saying here people is you don’t have to have long movies to have epic movies. Cut them down, let an editor work some magic, and release something palatable. Now I’m off to watch The Wiz.

Tags: boring, fail, movies

1 comment

Mar 26

A Few Weeks Ago in Music History

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Featured, Music

by Norm

A note from the writer: I started writing this a little while ago, and almost had it finished in time to make the “this week” claims below true. Then the real world came by and sat on my chest for a few weeks, so I wan’t able to get it up here until now (or write anything new). Since I’d hate to let it go to waste, let’s all travel back in time and pretend that it’s still accurate.

Ah, Disney. Most people have the misconception that this is a company that makes films. That is, of course, what they want you to think, but it is not true; this is a company that licenses products, and then makes films to justify the licensing. Most people think that the licensed products are advertising for their films; in fact, their films are advertising for their licensed products. Before you just write me off as another curmudgeonly Disney-hater (a label which I am willing to accept), consider this: in 2006, Walt Disney Pictures made 19 movies. That’s all movies, not just animated ones; it includes crappy ones like The Shaggy Dog and The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. (Seriously? Two Tim Allen vehicles in one year? We’re talking about 2006, not 1996, right?) And those are just the ones you’ve heard of; both of those are in the top half, box-office wise. It also includes two huge Disney movies: Cars, and the top-grossing Disney film of all time, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. The worldwide gross box office receipts from those movies totaled almost $2.8 billion.

In that same year, Disney-licensed products totaled $23 billion in sales.

That’s like 115 million of these. That’s a lot of bunny pooh.

You might think that Disney’s crass commercialism is just a product of today’s consumer-driven society. Sorry, but you’d be wrong about that as well. Steamboat Willie, the first Mickey Mouse cartoon released, came out in 1928. Disney signed its first merchandising deal in 1929. It’s been there from the start. This company doesn’t sell licensed crap because that’s what the market wants—they invented the market for licensed crap. The market wants licensed crap because Disney sells it. And they also make some movies every now and then.

So after a run of mediocre-at-best animated features in the mid-eighties, Disney had a renaissance of sorts in the late eighties and early nineties with a string of hit animated films. One of the main things that distinguished the new popular films from the crappy older ones is that Disney reverted back to making musicals. While this added to the quality of the films themselves, it also didn’t hurt that there was the promotional tie-in of the soundtrack album. Beginning with Beauty and the Beast, in 1991, they added the extra dimension of the tie-in single: one of the songs from the film performed by pop music singers, and released to commercial radio. While “Beauty and the Beast” (the song) was a respectable hit, it wasn’t until Aladdin, their next animated film, that they would reach the top of the charts for the first and only time. This week, in 1993, the number-one song on the Billboard Hot 100 was “A Whole New World”.

By most standards, “A Whole New World” was a very successful song, even though it only held the top spot for one week. Not only was it a number-one hit, but it also won a Grammy for song of the year, an Oscar for best original song, and a Golden Globe for the same. Now, one of the subtle undercurrents here at This Week in Music History is this: what makes a number-one song a number-one song? Who deserves credit for a song being the most popular in its particular point in time? In the past, we have had stories where the credit goes to industry suits changing the song name; to the fact that another artist gave the singer/songwriter a head start; to the one-hit wonder cover band instead of the the much better known songwriter; and of course, to Alex P. Keaton. So, naturally, my inclination is (as I’m sure all of yours is, or should be) to ask, to whom should we give credit for Disney’s only number-one hit? Let’s look at the suspects:

Hey Peabo, the hi-top fade doesn’t really work with the receding hairline.

Peabo Bryson

Case for: His is the first name on the single, so you’d think that singing half the song might give him some credit. Peabo was also partially responsible for the previous top-10 Disney tie-in single as half of the duet on “Beauty and the Beast” (hereafter “BatB”), so of course they brought him back for another go-round. He’s a duet-makin’ machine, with his co-ed duet credits reaching double digits.

Case against: The other half of the “BatB” duet was Celine Dion, who has four number-one songs to her credit, whereas the highest chart spot by Peabo outside of “AWNW” is a number 10 with “If Ever You’re in My Arms Again”. So maybe Peabo doesn’t have as much of a claim to the success of the earlier single. In 2003, Celine was signing up to do shows five nights a week in Vegas; Peabo was selling his Grammy at an IRS garage sale.

Also, his name is Peabo. (Actually, his given first name is Robert; Peabo is his middle name. I’m sure that he chose to go by Peabo because that gets you beat up a lot less than, say, “Bobby”. Or something.)

Verdict: nope.

Blow dryer’s on the fritz again.

Regina Belle

Case for: She’s the other half of the duet, and that counts for something. If “BatB” couldn’t make it to number one on the strength of Peabo, maybe she was the difference that got them over the top. She did have a several top-10 hits on the Billboard Hot R&B Singles chart (some of them coming when the chart still had the unfortunate title of “Hot Black Singles” which now sounds like an adults-only ethnic hookup website), so she had some selling power.

Case against: Some of those singles that were top-10 on the R&B chart didn’t even crack the Hot 100. The highest charting single she’s had there, outside of “AWNW”, peaked at 43.

Verdict: naw.

Peagina.

The combined powers of Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle

Case for: One could make an argument that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts in this case. Perhaps it was their chemistry or the way their voices harmonized that made this song what it was.

Case against: Peabo and Regina have an earlier duet to their credit, a song called “Without You”, the love theme from the movie Leonard Part 6. Not only did the song not chart, it also is from what is widely regarded as one of the worst films of all time. Even producer/co-writer/star Bill Cosby thinks that movie sucks. Clearly the team of Peabo and Regina (or as I like to call them, Peagina) is not of the highest quality.

Verdict: Nuh-uh.

Actually, I do have this poster on my bedroom wall.

Alan Menken

Case for: Alan wrote the music to this song, and in addition to co-writing this hit for Disney, he had a hand in several others, including “BatB” and songs from The Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, et cetera. Because of that he also has a slew of Oscars and Grammys to his name.

Case against: How many people do you know who have posters of Alan Menken on their wall? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Saying Alan Menken is the reason this hit number one is like saying that Gwen Stefani’s “Rich Girl” was successful because of Jerry Bock (an 80-year-old Jewish guy from Connecticut).

Verdict: Probably not.

If I told you this man was either an English knight or a crazy hobo, which one would you guess?

Tim Rice

Case for: Tim Rice wrote the lyrics to the song, after the intial lyricist working on Aladdin, Howard Ashman, had to go and die on them. Sir Tim (he’s a knight, you know) has had plenty of success on the broadway scene, in addition to his work on The Lion King (also known as The Racist Hamlet Except with Lions and Fart Jokes); he’s also won Oscars, Grammys, Golden Globes, and Tonys. And beyond that, he’s had some success as a lyricist on the charts too; he co-wrote the number 3 hit “One Night in Bangkok” with the guys from ABBA.

Case against: He co-wrote “One Night in Bangkok” with the guys from ABBA. I mean, seriously. Have you listened to that song?

Verdict: Negatory.

Not pictured: blood-drained human corpses

The Disney Corporation

Case for: We’re getting closer here, I think. Everyone knows that the Disney brand is a powerful one when it comes to selling products. Between the recognition of the brand itself and the formidable marketing machine and promotional budget attached to it, that’s got to count for something, right? For better or for worse, you say “Disney” and people pay attention.

Case against: One small consideration keeps me from giving the credit here, and that is the fact that “AWNW” is the only Disney tie-in single that hit number one on the Hot 100. That same marketing machine and promotional budget was behind “BatB”, as well as “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”, “Colors of the Wind”, etc. And none of them hit the top spot.

Verdict: Close, but not quite.

This is not a picture of your cousin (you know the one) but it might as well be.

The Combined Buying Power of Millions of Disney-obsessed, Undersexed, Lonely Housewives and Disney-obsessed Teenage Girls Who Will One Day Become Undersexed, Lonely Housewives

Case for: Oh, come on, we all know someone like this. People make fun of Sci-Fi Nerds and Ren-Faire Geeks, but people—adult people, sometimes people without children—who have every single Disney animated film on VHS and then bought them all again on DVD get a pass? I don’t think so. Your collection of Mickeys or Tiggers or Ariels or whoever is not inherently less stupid (or obsessive) than someone’s home-made Starfleet uniform or wall of in-box Star Wars action figures or cloak and broadsword. The simple fact is that if it’s associated with the Disney corporation, people will line up to buy it.

But this song, unlike the other Disney singles, hits the sweet spot for inspiring emotionally stunted female (or possibly gay male) Disney fan(atic)s to open their wallets. “BatB” was about learning to fall in love with an ugly/angry dude (turn-off). “Colors of the Wind” was about racial and ecological sensitivity (BIG turn-off). The central thesis of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”, as near as I can figure, is “love exists” (meh). But “AWNW” is about not only being a princess, but on top of that, having an exotic, exhilarating prince come and sweep you off your feet and take you places you never imagined you could go (“over, sideways, and under”, if you know what I mean). This is better than romance novels or soap operas. This is romance novels and soap operas by Disney.

Case against: There is none.

Verdict: You know I’m right.

I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far.

“A Whole New World” by Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle. The most popular song in America, this week in 1993.

You can check out previous weeks in music history in the music archive section.

Tags: Music, video

1 comment

Mar 18

Congraduration! A winner is you!

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by JimmyGimbo

Writer’s block has got me in a hammerlock. I can’t think of a damn thing to give y’all right now. If I could, this is the level of awesomeness I would be shooting for: Seanbaby.com. Comic books, video games, and snark. Mmm. Feast on that while I get my noggin’ jump started (after poring through the archives here first, of course.)

Tags: writer's block

Mar 17

Dating A Policewoman: Some Tips

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I saw an interesting article online today about advice for dating a female cop. I would probably say that this kind of advice probably pertains to any type of romantic relationship with a cop, whether that be a guy, a lady, or a midget. There have to be midget cops, right?

One point that really stuck out here was about their level of discipline. “we go home and instead of saying to our spouse, ‘Can you empty the dishwasher’, we say, ‘Empty the dishwasher and do it now’.” This really doesn’t sound that different from any other relationship I’ve seen. In fact I’d say it’s probably the norm to expect this. If I met a woman who said something like “Dear, could you please do X?” (X being any mundane task) and said it without a hint of malice I’d probably start thinking “Stepford Wives”.

Another gem was this one – “It takes a strong, secure man not only to be with a female cop but to run around and brag about it. I happen to be married to one of those guys. He’s my third husband and that’s not untypical either.”

Essentially they start talking about support groups – evidently there’s lots of support systems for female partners of male cops, but not the other way around. What the statement really said to me though was “This cop shouldn’t be giving relationship advice”. Taking relationship advice from a cop on her third husband is like taking humanitarian advice from the Khmer Rouge – they have lots of experience, but not necessarily the right kind. Maybe I’d ask her for advice on planning a thrifty wedding, but not relationships.

They also say that female cops are naturally suspicious. I have this word of advice. Hide your pornography well. Maybe even at someone elses house. Never call anyone, ever, and wash yourself thoroughly, lest you find your penis being dusted for prints. The article also goes on to state that police women are not lesbians and they’re NOT sexy. I see a pattern emerging here.

All through this article that was supposed to be a how-to for properly dating a cop it really felt like a warning. A massive warning to anyone foolish enough to get into a relationship with a jealous, suspicious, cranky, overly-authoritative, distant woman. Wait… that sounds pretty normal, I guess. Go for it.

Tags: anti-hot, crazy, crime, fail, police, weird

Mar 10

Happiness Is A Warm Gun-AKA: The Texas Dildo Dilemma

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Texas is an interesting state. Texas is a massive state. You know the saying, “Everything’s big in Texas”. Apparently one of the things not included in that list of big things is a big understanding of human sexuality.

You can't tell me enjoyment like this is coming from human contact.

One thing that floored me recently were their state anti-obscenity laws. Mainly that you cannot own, sell, or use a dildo. That’s right. A dildo. In fact, if you have more than 6 dildoes (Is that right? Pluralizing dildo is a strange thing.) you can be charged with “possession with intent to distribute”, a charge that could equal jail time. Can you imagine the banter in the cell block as you trade stories with Jimbob?

“So,” says Jimbob casually as he stretches back on his bunk, “I’m in here for felony robbery. It’s a bitch I got caught. What are you in for?”

You squirm trying to back yourself into a corner and protect your backside like it’s Spanish gold, as you weakly mumble, “I got caught with 3 kilos of dildoes in my store.”

Not only would you get sacked like Rome, but you’d never be able to show your face at the PTO again. Imagine having something like “Dildo Dealer” on your criminal record.

Texas fucking hates these guys.

Here’s one of the most backwards parts about the whole situation. You cannot go buy a dildo in a store. Obscenity laws prevent the sale of any item used for sexual gratification. But you can absolutely walk into a shop selling porn magazines and buy a 3 foot long purple double-dong as long as long as it’s sold to you as an “educational aid”. Occasionally these things slip through the cracks and police stings have to lay down the law with these filthy fucking fuck toy merchants. Who is the person that is walking into a store that sells pornography and sex toys and is offended when a dildo is sold with the intent to penetrate various orifices? As that smug bastard walks out of the store with his copy of “Unique Knockers” he smiles to himself knowing that tonite a hardworking sex shop owner is going to lose money when the local constabulary takes him down a peg for selling a “Love Stick” instead of an “Anatomically Correct Educational Phallus”. Really. Which one sounds dirtier?

So what prompted these laws? I can only imagine a simpler time when a humble liquor store clerk was diligently going about his business when a masked robber bursts in the door with a cyberskin wiener. As the shop owner recoils in terror he’s repeatedly beaten about the head and neck. As he struggles to remain consciousness he scribbles “dildo” on the floor in his own blood.

Even Mother Nature gets into it now and then.

Really that can’t be the case. The only time I’ve ever seen a sex toy as a weapon was in “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels” (if you haven’t seen it you must, definitely worth the time). I did find a story that really intrigued me. The headline was “(Michelle) Rodriguez in motel dildo fight” – unfortunately it didn’t involve an epic dildo battle, just some threats that someone was going to lose their dildo (I envisioned some gladiatorial combat where Michelle Rodriguez and her unnamed guest circled each other in front of an audience exchanging blows with multi-colored sex toys. Alas, it was not to be.) Ultimately obscenity laws creep up when stuffy asses gain a position of power and use it to enforce their moral, sexual, and religious ideals on the people they have power over. Now, people are sexual creatures. It’s the way we’re built. We’re sentient, occasionally intelligent, animals that have an inkling about how our bodies work and what gives us pleasure. I’m of the opinion that if you’re doing something in the privacy of your own home by yourself or with consenting partners that doesn’t involve something direly perverse (animals, children, furniture) then you’re certainly no threat to anyone.

Are tax dollars really well spent when police have to waste time and energy busting this kind of shit? Are there no unsolved crimes or trouble spots in Texas that this is the best thing they could be doing? I hope that with this kind of ridiculousness on the books they have a glut of evidence to support the problems they cause. I hope every forced interview goes something like this:

“Okay ma’am, we got the details… about 5’9″, curly red hair and a rabbit vibrator in each hand.”

“Umm… I never said anything about a…”

“Ma’am, we’re protecting the morality of the neighborhood here. We know what you saw. Now watch your step on the way out, there’s probably semen all over this floor.”

If it's good enough for women's golf then it's gotta be ok.

Okay TX, get your shit together. Clean up your actual criminal issues and then let’s have a chit chat about equality and freedom. Your moronic laws aren’t really preventing anyone from purchasing or using these things. You’re just cleaning up the name. It’s like saying it’s okay to pee in your neighbor’s front lawn as long as it’s called “Natural Landscape Saturation”. Like most stupid laws this doesn’t do anything but punish hardworking individuals and make criminals out of ordinary citizens. Plus now I need to find a new location for my dildo factory.

Tags: crazy, crime, fail, sex, Texas, weird

Mar 08

Animal Crossing meets Big Brother

Categories:

Entertainment, Featured

by JimmyGimbo

For almost as long as there have been video games, there have been been crusaders for the public good who are ready to call them out for what they really are: the cause of all society’s ills. Of course, the problems video games are responsible for are the same problems that movies, television, and racy literature were responsible for before they existed.

No topic is fully addressed until somebody thinks of the children. Laboring under the misconception that children are the only intended audience for video games, haters gave gone after adult-oriented games from Leisure Suit Larry to Grand Theft Auto. Unfortunately for them, subversiveness resides not only in these games but also in more inconspicuous places.

Rated "E" for everyone.

I have a confession to make: I play Animal Crossing. I know it’s bad enough that of the current-gen systems I only own a Wii and still have the audacity to call myself a gamer, but if you have a wife or girlfriend then you know that it’s a gateway system. For those who don’t know, Animal Crossing is a game where you live in a virtual village and hang out with walking, talking animals. It’s open-ended enough that only those with severe OCD will try to meet all of the game’s goals, but a lot of what you do is simply to talk to other residents of your village. On its surface its very saccharine but there are worse ways to kill time and it does have a sense of humor about itself. Those looking to rack up a high body count would do best to go elsewhere. The most damage you can do in this game is push someone in a hole or hurt their feelings.

Obviously, it’s an E-rated game, so there’s nothing untoward built into the game, but there are some features that lend themselves to abuse. For instance, sometimes the NPCs will let you choose how they greet you. There seems to be some kind of language filter, but it’s pretty arbitrary. To add to the fun, aspects of the game are viral. So if one character uses a greeting and it catches on, others will start to use it too. And because you can play online, it’s possible that anything your characters say may one day come from the mouths of NPCs in other towns.

I tend not to get too hung up on being a pottymouth, so when Scoot, a duck who lives in my town and looks like Plucky Duck’s retarded brother, was in need of a new greeting, I suggested “That’s quacktastic!” because I had Billy Madison on my mind for some reason. And Scoot is a duck. See what I did there?

Well, the Language Police had a problem with the phrase “That’s quacktastic!” I played with it a bit, changed the spelling–no luck. One supremely annoying element of this game is that once you’re on the hook to change someone’s greeting, you can’t do anything else until you take care of it. After a while I got frustrated and took an entirely different tack, encouraging him in instead say “There is no God!” No problems there.

Atheist propaganda = OK. Quoting Adam Sandler movies = not OK.

Quoting Adam Sandler movies is forbidden, but atheist talking points are fit for chanting, mantra-like. And silly you thought Darwin would destroy our children's faith.

It’s funny, because they’re clearly worried about people abusing this feature but not so much that they make more than a half-assed attempt to stop it. They’ve tried to avoid offending our delicate sensibilities in other ways too. There is a giraffe named Gracie who is a world-renowned fashion designer and the implication is that she’s a female. And in the US version, she is. However, the Japanese version casts him as a dude in drag. Evidently Nintendo didn’t think people would buy the concept of a gay fashion icon. The real Zen koan here is: did they make Gracie a girl in the US because we’re homophobic, or did they make Gracie a dude in the Japanese version because the Japanese are homophobic. Ohm…

Are animals dressing in drag really worse than animals running around nude?

And, really, in the litigious times we live in, why should we stop there? In addition to corrupting our youth’s moral fabric, another thing we like to blame on video games is how kids are all a bunch of fatties. Animal Crossing’s guilty of encouraging gluttony, too:

What're you waiting for? That diabetes ain't gonna catch itself.

So, basically, if you want your kids to grow up straight and strong, you must never allow them to come into contact with video games ever. If an innocent game like Animal Crossing contains all these harmful messages, just think about what morally corrupt path Mario or Crash Bandicoot could lead them down? I fear for our future.

Tags: animal crossing, big brother, evil, games, gaming, wii

Mar 06

Slap My Nuts

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